Mama's Got a Brand New Bag

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0800-1200

I have been told that I look like a LOT of people. Wynona Rider mostly but also Ira Glass, Mo Rocca, Velma from Scooby Doo, and many many others. My conclusion: All people with short brown hair (especially with glasses) look the same. Fine. Yesterday, however, Natalie gave me a new one.
We were at the movie theatre in honor of Miss Natalie's upcoming 7th birthday. She had to get up in the middle of the film to use the restroom and, according to her, had a difficult time finding her seat when she returned. She claims she thought she had gone into the wrong theatre because upon first glance there was just an old, silver haired woman sitting in the isle she remembered us to have been sitting in. Upon further examination, she realized it was her mother, indeed.

Sometimes I Wish that Chuck Klosterman WAS the Grown Up Corey Feldman

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0400-0800

Even My Grapes have Stretch Marks

U.S.S. Shipwreck

1200-1600

I have been trying to get into shape. It is more of an experiment than vanity. It requires that I diet and exercise throughout the week. Yes, that is my program. Diet and exercise; no fancy pills or fat freezes.

Eating healthy, as you may know, can be super expensive. Ideally, one would go to farmer's market and the co-op to obtain their healthy snacks. I cannot afford such things though. I buy my goods at the plain old, commercially farmed food stores. Yes, I assume that I am implanting seeds of cancer each time I consume a piece of produce from these places. I try not to think about the embedded chemicals and, instead, focus on the delicious vitamins and nutrients underneath the death toxins.

The other day at work, I noticed a grape that was forced, presumably, by said chemicals, to grow at such a rate, that its internal girth seemed to out-mass its own skin capacity. So, like a human being whose skin could no longer keep up with the quantity of lard-o-licious treats put inside of it, forcing the skin to stretch and break, my grape has also suffered this tragic side effect:


Now, you may be dying to know: Did I eat this grotesque grape? Indeed, I did. The starvation feeling brought on by a strict diet can make one eat just about anything.

Bonjour Monsier Denver. Esca vous et American?

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0000-0400

My sweety has left me for a year. I have decided to take this time to pour myself into the bitter-sweet task of learning French. It has been a couple of weeks and aside from a few successful inquiries to my dogs on weather or not they understand English and then reassuring them that, yes, they do understand English, I am pretty clueless. I am really hoping that I will be somewhat conversational as well as have the ability to read and write in the language by next year. I did find this amazingly wonderful sarcastic YouTube video that I adore. I am posting it here so you can hopefully enjoy it, hopefully, as much as I do...

This Car Makes my Brain Hurt

U.S.S. Shipwreck

1200-1600

blue car

+ license plate: TRU BLU

+ bumber sticker: I'M PRO LIFE AND I VOTE

+ partially scratched off, religious radio station promoting bumper stickers

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What are they trying to say?