Mama's Got a Brand New Bag

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0800-1200

I have been told that I look like a LOT of people. Wynona Rider mostly but also Ira Glass, Mo Rocca, Velma from Scooby Doo, and many many others. My conclusion: All people with short brown hair (especially with glasses) look the same. Fine. Yesterday, however, Natalie gave me a new one.
We were at the movie theatre in honor of Miss Natalie's upcoming 7th birthday. She had to get up in the middle of the film to use the restroom and, according to her, had a difficult time finding her seat when she returned. She claims she thought she had gone into the wrong theatre because upon first glance there was just an old, silver haired woman sitting in the isle she remembered us to have been sitting in. Upon further examination, she realized it was her mother, indeed.

Sometimes I Wish that Chuck Klosterman WAS the Grown Up Corey Feldman

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0400-0800

Even My Grapes have Stretch Marks

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1200-1600

I have been trying to get into shape. It is more of an experiment than vanity. It requires that I diet and exercise throughout the week. Yes, that is my program. Diet and exercise; no fancy pills or fat freezes.

Eating healthy, as you may know, can be super expensive. Ideally, one would go to farmer's market and the co-op to obtain their healthy snacks. I cannot afford such things though. I buy my goods at the plain old, commercially farmed food stores. Yes, I assume that I am implanting seeds of cancer each time I consume a piece of produce from these places. I try not to think about the embedded chemicals and, instead, focus on the delicious vitamins and nutrients underneath the death toxins.

The other day at work, I noticed a grape that was forced, presumably, by said chemicals, to grow at such a rate, that its internal girth seemed to out-mass its own skin capacity. So, like a human being whose skin could no longer keep up with the quantity of lard-o-licious treats put inside of it, forcing the skin to stretch and break, my grape has also suffered this tragic side effect:


Now, you may be dying to know: Did I eat this grotesque grape? Indeed, I did. The starvation feeling brought on by a strict diet can make one eat just about anything.

Bonjour Monsier Denver. Esca vous et American?

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0000-0400

My sweety has left me for a year. I have decided to take this time to pour myself into the bitter-sweet task of learning French. It has been a couple of weeks and aside from a few successful inquiries to my dogs on weather or not they understand English and then reassuring them that, yes, they do understand English, I am pretty clueless. I am really hoping that I will be somewhat conversational as well as have the ability to read and write in the language by next year. I did find this amazingly wonderful sarcastic YouTube video that I adore. I am posting it here so you can hopefully enjoy it, hopefully, as much as I do...

This Car Makes my Brain Hurt

U.S.S. Shipwreck

1200-1600

blue car

+ license plate: TRU BLU

+ bumber sticker: I'M PRO LIFE AND I VOTE

+ partially scratched off, religious radio station promoting bumper stickers

________________________

What are they trying to say?

Merry Christmas Eve to Ye

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0000-0400

Friends, it is officially Christmas Eve. I have managed to get all of my gift-wrapping done, and have nearly finished off the giant box of cookies I received last night from the delicious treat-making factory that is the kitchen of Sarah and Carolyn.

I do believe I left a shopping bag at the check-out at Target and need to go back in the morning and see if there is an "unclaimed bags at check-out" section in customer service. If not, I get to debate with Natalie again tomorrow about which clothes are the best choice to bestow upon Mason as part of a Christmas gift.

Kevin left for New Jersey to be home with his family for Christmas yesterday morning and Natalie is with her dad so it's just me and the wolfins at home tonight. I keep making them go down to the basement with me and I think they are just about tired of my scared behind. I had this awful nightmare the other night involving a basement and it's just been on my mind ever since. I plan to spend a portion of Christmas day turning that nightmare into an action-packed comic strip and hopefully, that will have some sort of therapeutic effect.

Aside from comic-ing, I would like to finish an acrylic painting, polish up my teaching portfolio and narrow down some New-Year's resolutions by the end of the weekend or, perhaps by the end of next week. Also, being the GIANT NERD THAT I AM, I Cannot Wait! to fill in my new 2011 planner pages. I got a new starter kit for my Franklin Covey. I think it is time to create some new goals for myself and that is always exciting. What can I say - I am a quintessential Capricorn (goal-oriented, mountain-climber, winner, nerd-fest).

Reality Bites

U.S.S. Shipwreck 1200-1600

It's after 2. I just got out of bed, although I have been up since 10:30. I am drinking my morning pot of coffee and although I should be on the phone with my phone company about my $600 phone bill, or with the mortgage company about my $5000 past due balance, or bathing and brushing my mangey-looking, shedding dogs, I am blogging. I hate dealing with real life things. Nathan moved in. He is being his messy, selfish self. He is not thrilled about living with me either. He was just informing me that he wants to hang himself from the ceiling fan every time he walks into the house. I'm not completely sure, but it may be the fact that I just finished off the rest of the laundry detergent washing Natalie and my clothes for the week and now he may have to go by his own. Natalie graduates from Kindergarten tomorrow. I will probably cry. I am working at Saia again. I wish that I could, like so many people, feel content with life knowing that my bills are paid, my credit is good, and my errands are done. I would rather write short stories or take up painting. My parents are still pushing me to go back into the Navy. I would like to give it a year and see if I can't get a teaching job by then. It's hard not to worry about having a retirement plan or making enough money. I just don't think I could go without seeing Natalie for that long though. I cringe to think about how she would turn out if she were raised by her father. I need to go make my bed and all of those other things that should satisfy my existence so I'll end here.

Misery

Quitting smoking sucks. Period.

Today's Car Conversation on the Way Back from the Grocery

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1600-2000

Me: Oh, Look! Someone won the lottery!

Nat: Darn it?!

Me: What if it was us?

Nat: Then I will take back my darn; otherwise, I'm putting it back up.

Me: Okay.

Nat: Look. There sure are a lot of people at Walmart. 

Me: Poor bastards.

Nat: Well, let's pretend you are an adult.

Me: Okay, hypothetically, let's say I am an adult...

Nat: Well what if you needed something? And you could only get it at Walmart. Then what?

Me: Then they would have it somewhere else or else I wouldn't need it.

Nat: Well what if you really did?

Me: Like what? Like, if I needed a snow shovel and they were the only place in town that had them?

Nat: Yes, like that.

Me: Then I would borrow a snow shovel from someone: a neighbor, a friend, someone.

Nat: What if they didn't have one?

Me: Then I would drive to my parents' house and haul their snow shovel home and haul it back to them.

Nat: What if they didn't have one?

Me: Of course they have one.

Nat: Well, what if they didn't? 

Me. Natalie, if nobody in town had a snow shovel, and the only ones available were at Walmart, then everyone would have snow on their walkways and I wouldn't care. 

Nat: Oh.

Glad You Stopped By - Here's a Rant and a Whine.

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0000-0400

Today I was reminded of why I am glad I do not have a television. I spent the evening at my sister's house, helping her with her new hobby, puzzles (shh you), drinking cocktails, laughing, catching up, having a great time, all while her television was fiercely competing in the background, parading around its crappy American Idols, its horrible fake actors, and its mega rich superstars reminding the commoners that they are in fact superior because so many people allow them to be. I think I need a shower to wash away whatever filth may still be lingering from that piece of trash.

Tonight I spent my weight loss competition dues on pizza. I bummed out cigarettes to my newly quit sister and gave her the same lousy b.s. excuses I have been giving everyone else as to why I started again after three years. I am sucking. I need someone to come over and yank my behind out of bed in the morning and make me go for a run and stop wrecking my health. I feel panicked like I know myself less than ever before. I'm leaving my job in two months, I'm about to finish school and either fight it out in a crappy job market or go right back into school and hide out until someone needs an awesome English teacher. Heh. I have never been without solid goals in my life. Ever. It's freaking me out. I don't know what I want in life anymore but I don't think smoking cigarettes and drinking all the time is really it. I want to do too much and absolutely nothing all at the same time. Perhaps I'll write a sob story letter to one of those bullshit famous people and ask them to send my sorry ass some money to support my new life in some European country. 

Oh, Walgreens

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0000-0400

Those of you that know me well, know that I LOVE Walgreens ;). I am so curious about the workings of their coupon generator's rationalization or lack thereof on which coupons to dish out to which customers. (You know, the coupons you get with your receipt). What about a pack of Orbit Bubblemint and a Cherry Coke says, $1.00 off any size Playtex tampons? What about a pack of Orbit Bubblemint and a box of Tampax Pearls says, "I'm in the market for some super-masculine Axe face wash?"  

My School Rules! Your School Drools!

U.S.S. Shipwreck

2000-2400

My sea-monster bathroom is almost finished. The inversion has cleared and so gone are mornings of running while listening to the Dropkick Murphys, pretending it's a gloomy day in Dublin rather than a toxic day in Boise. I just finished a week of school and I think this semester is going to be a good one. I am doing my internship at Capital High and it is really fun so far. I am visiting about two or three different classrooms per day. In about two weeks I get to choose which one I want to finish out the semester in.

Yesterday, was a game day. Basketball. Capital vs. Borah. I went to Borah. I was in a classroom yesterday with a teacher who is also a passionate football coach. I explained that I graduated from Borah and so it was kind of weird to be in a place filled with black t-shirts adorned with bold letters reading, "BEAT BORAH." He said I could not return to his classroom ever again. I told him about my first day in boot camp when some senior chief guy pulled me aside soon after I arrived and confirmed that I was from Boise. He asked me what high school I went to. When I told him, he said, "I went to Boise. I hate Borah." I find it odd that I should be under attack so often due to my alma mater. In high school, I never went to pep rallies. I went to one football game but only as a photographer requested by one of the coaches. It was miserable. I don't know how I am supposed to respond to these people. I could care less about which team wins or loses. I don't think it is healthy to create such competative strife. Kids take it too seriously. The hatered stays with them through adulthood. That kind of thinking lends itself to intolerance to anyone outside of people just like you. I'll bet George W. still roots for his high school or at least advantageously understands that many people still hold beliefs that their high school teams are somehow more superior than their rivals.

Because the Boy with the Cold Hard Cash is Always Mister Right

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0000-0400

I'm trying to build up my running skills so that I don't up dead on the side of a hot Nevada road this August. No worries; I'm on a plan. It's called the "from couch potato to awesome athlete plan" or something. At this stage, I am to run three days a week. Today was a running day. Because of the nasty air outside due to the inversion, I did not want to go outside and run. I turned, instead, to my trusty old treadmill. My treadmill is piece of trash manual thing that makes running so much more difficult as I have to actually move the belt along with my own strength; running gracefully or hands free is not an option.
The interesting thing is that my little corgie, Roxie, will under no circumstance, come upstairs - ever. She used to use my room as a place to relieve herself and due to repeated punishment coupled with her own massive guilt, she is scared to venture to the upward part of the house. Today was different. As I was making my sad attempt at a workout, Madonna's "Material Girl" blasting out my headphones, I happened to glance over to my left to see the Roxie, looking up at me with an expression of concern in her eyes. I have heard of animals being able to sense when their owners are injured or ill. I think she thought I was going to die up there, pumping away on my little manual treadmill. When I showered afterward, she layed outside the bathroom door, probably anticipating her owner's heart failure, wondering how she would get her next meal.

Some Interworkings of My Much-Conflicted Mind

U.S.S. Shipwreck

1200-1600

Here it is folks, two days before my birthday. Why is this significant? Because I have managed to write again before another holiday! Here is a completely un-holiday-type entry...

When I got out of the Navy in 2004, I wanted nothing more than to relieve four years of painful misery through the art destroying as many brain cells as I could-brain cells that held the unpleasant memories of military life. I did this in ways that I would never have the guts to whilst under such tight control of Uncle Sam. During a visit to a small Ohio town, soon after my arrival to the states, on a night of being out of my mind, at a party, at a house of a friend of a friend, I met an Army Ranger who was on leave. He was also trying to unwind and kill some memories. He was telling me about being in Iraq. He had a lot of gruesome stories, full of death and close calls. He told me about some house that he and his battle group raided. They killed all of the men in the house. After one of his recollections, he pulled out a gold colored, Zippo-type lighter that he had taken off of one of the men that he had killed during that raid. He handed it to me. It had a picture of the Twin Towers on it. It read 2001 along the top edge. I found out that when you open it, the towers glow with a red flashing light where the planes would have hit. After I lit it and peered at the mysterious green-glowing flame, the guy slammed it shut and looked up at me. He said "That's disrespectful!" with such a tone of disapproval that for an instant, I felt the guilt of having done the terrorist attack myself. To this day, I think he overreacted.

So to add insult to injury or injury to my apparent gigantic insult as I dare to compare a major catastrophic event to the minor worries of my own personal life, I have this coffee mug... I have this coffee mug with an old best friend on it. One side of the mug contains this girl's head full of greasy bangs and what looks like rotting, blackened teeth. The other side contains the words"Friends are Forever." Each time I use this coffee mug, it reminds me of that night when I lit up that Army Ranger's stolen lighter. She is not my friend. In fact, she recently showed up to a wedding that my mother was also attending. At this wedding, my mom was so excited to see her after so many years (about 10) and while asking about her, found that she works at the Albertson's at the end of my street. My mom was so excited to tell her "That's DJ's Albertson's! She lives over there." The beast of an old best friend of mine replied, "Yeah, I figured, I see her come in all of the time with some bratty kid, I didn't know it was hers though." Knowing that she is still the same vicious rat that she was ten years ago, makes me feel like I am betraying myself each time I drink from the old coffee mug.

My Year Has Arrived

U.S.S. Shipwreck

2000-0000

Maybe I should change my blog's name to Holiday Blogger because that seems to be all I write about lately. Or, maybe it's just that time of year when the holidays are all crammed up next to each other to the point that I have forgotten what it is like to work for a whole week at a time. Whatever the case, let's talk about the New Year!

Okay, so since the beginning of 2008, right after Nathan royally screwed me on my taxes, I have been saying that 2009 is going to be my year. I still believe that. Here are a few things I am looking forward to this year:

1. Not sending all of my money to the government to pay for my huge tax bills.
2. I have made my last car payment.

3. I am going to run a marathon (okay half marathon) in August.

4. Natalie is going to start Kindergarten in the fall.

5. It will be my last year of having a night job.

6. I will be graduating in December.

.

As far as resolutions go, I want to: lose 15-20 pounds and improve my credit. I have tried to explain the concept of turning over a new leaf to Natalie and she is reluctant to make any changes in her life. She asked me what she could work on. I suggested maybe keeping her room cleaner or not being so violent. I think we are going to work on cleaning up her potty mouth though.

My Top Five Favorite Christmas Gifts this Year!

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2000-2400

Happy Holidays Everyone!

I received a lot of cool gifts this year. I wanted to share my top five favorites with you.

#5. Books: Miranda July's totally awesome new book of short stories and Gene Wilder's new novel. (Yes, Willy Wonka writes books!)













#4. Barack Obama's rad Commemorative Puzzle (given to me from Natalie via Nathan).



#3.Tool box bag. Very cliche I know... but this thing has really come in handy so far. I heart it. I got it during the white elephant Christmas Party at my parents' house.

#2. Pretty Purple iPod. Sarah hooked me up with this since my little iPod shuffle stopped working. Thanks Sarah Dee!!

#1. Okay. This is absolutely one of my favorites. Sarah tells me it is also the reason she is going to be one of the very few friends that I ever have in life. It's a 15th century knight's horse from the Trail of Painted Ponies collection. This picture of it does not do it justice. Come over and have a look! It's fantastic in real life! Natalie asked Sarah to get this for me as a gift from her.

Thanks Natalie!

Eleven Days of No Work Equals This

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1200-1600

bought a book and didn't read it, boobs are awesome on my phone, denver is a wolf-killer, less than $20 to fill up my car, the quotable rachel is really real, the emerald city has karaoke wednesdays, the red feather lounge has fancy sipping drinks that make my stomach sick with sugar, turners has 80s metal and old men that think sarah is a nice boy, the navaho is pretty much what you think it would be- and that girl that is maybe not a lesbian should shy away from the karaoke, spent thanksgiving with my sisters, lanie is infatuated, patri knows l-verbs, amazon order dissapeared, i really think i get gene wilder, milk did not come out yet, monica goes to bed way too early, kelly lynae sang me a song on her birthday, i hope i don't like boys in their 20s when i'm in my 40s, condalisa works, santa clause two makes me cry like a little emo boy, i know a really big secret *shh*, eharmony does same sex matches, i wrote a book about love and i really think you should see it

Tuesday November 4, 2008

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Sarah & Sarah Sitting in a Tree: A Conversation

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0800-1200

Cast: Sarah and DJ

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Setting: The livingroom

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Genre: Non-Fiction

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DJ: I don't get that people think that Sarah Palin is hot.

Sarah: I don't either. Did you see those SNL skits from this weekend that she was actually in?

DJ: No.

Sarah: Tina Fey was in them too. She is hot.

DJ:

Sarah: It was funny. Tina Fey as Sarah Palin was at a podium speaking and then Alec Baldwin came up to her and whispered in her ear. Then she said to him, 'the real one?' and started to walk off the stage. The real Sarah Palin was coming onto the stage as Tina Fey as Sarah Palin was leaving and they walk past each other, wearing the exact same thing. Man, Tina Fey looks just like her.

DJ: So do you think Sarah Palin is hot?

Sarah: Oh, no.

DJ: [cocks head slightly, giving Sarah an expression that begs her to consider this further].

Sarah: Oh.

DJ:

Sarah: Well I think Tina Fey is hot because she is smart.

Exit

Now Taking Energy Supplement Suggestions

U.S.S. Shipwreck

2000-2400

I just figured out which classes I am going to take next semester. 14 credits, Monday through Friday again. This semester is going fast. It's midterm week already. I do have to take my Praxis II exam in a few weeks and that has me on edge. On Monday, I did my first lesson plan that I actually put to use. I taught (I hope), two classes of ninth graders about symbolism in character names. It was fun. I am feeling pretty run down lately. It took everything I had to get up today. I don't sleep much during the week. To stay awake at night, I have been downing massive quantities of Crystal Light's strawberry energy drink. I like Full Throttle, but I don't work out enough to keep up with those kind of calories. I have one double shot espresso to start my day, but it wears off by the time I get to work in the evening. This Crystal Light stuff does keep me awake. I use about four of the little packages each night (10 calories each). I am concerned that it is probably doing damage though. I think it is bad for teeth and gums. I haven't looked to far into it, but I think I'm onto something. My gums are sore sometimes after I drink it and I think tiny bits of my teeth are chipping. I also feel really anxious lately but that just might be my stressful life catching up with me. Only one more year like this and hopefully me and what may remain of my teeth and nerves will be able to take it easy for a while.