Mama's Got a Brand New Bag

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0800-1200

I have been told that I look like a LOT of people. Wynona Rider mostly but also Ira Glass, Mo Rocca, Velma from Scooby Doo, and many many others. My conclusion: All people with short brown hair (especially with glasses) look the same. Fine. Yesterday, however, Natalie gave me a new one.
We were at the movie theatre in honor of Miss Natalie's upcoming 7th birthday. She had to get up in the middle of the film to use the restroom and, according to her, had a difficult time finding her seat when she returned. She claims she thought she had gone into the wrong theatre because upon first glance there was just an old, silver haired woman sitting in the isle she remembered us to have been sitting in. Upon further examination, she realized it was her mother, indeed.

Sometimes I Wish that Chuck Klosterman WAS the Grown Up Corey Feldman

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0400-0800

Even My Grapes have Stretch Marks

U.S.S. Shipwreck

1200-1600

I have been trying to get into shape. It is more of an experiment than vanity. It requires that I diet and exercise throughout the week. Yes, that is my program. Diet and exercise; no fancy pills or fat freezes.

Eating healthy, as you may know, can be super expensive. Ideally, one would go to farmer's market and the co-op to obtain their healthy snacks. I cannot afford such things though. I buy my goods at the plain old, commercially farmed food stores. Yes, I assume that I am implanting seeds of cancer each time I consume a piece of produce from these places. I try not to think about the embedded chemicals and, instead, focus on the delicious vitamins and nutrients underneath the death toxins.

The other day at work, I noticed a grape that was forced, presumably, by said chemicals, to grow at such a rate, that its internal girth seemed to out-mass its own skin capacity. So, like a human being whose skin could no longer keep up with the quantity of lard-o-licious treats put inside of it, forcing the skin to stretch and break, my grape has also suffered this tragic side effect:


Now, you may be dying to know: Did I eat this grotesque grape? Indeed, I did. The starvation feeling brought on by a strict diet can make one eat just about anything.

Bonjour Monsier Denver. Esca vous et American?

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0000-0400

My sweety has left me for a year. I have decided to take this time to pour myself into the bitter-sweet task of learning French. It has been a couple of weeks and aside from a few successful inquiries to my dogs on weather or not they understand English and then reassuring them that, yes, they do understand English, I am pretty clueless. I am really hoping that I will be somewhat conversational as well as have the ability to read and write in the language by next year. I did find this amazingly wonderful sarcastic YouTube video that I adore. I am posting it here so you can hopefully enjoy it, hopefully, as much as I do...

This Car Makes my Brain Hurt

U.S.S. Shipwreck

1200-1600

blue car

+ license plate: TRU BLU

+ bumber sticker: I'M PRO LIFE AND I VOTE

+ partially scratched off, religious radio station promoting bumper stickers

________________________

What are they trying to say?

Merry Christmas Eve to Ye

U.S.S. Shipwreck

0000-0400

Friends, it is officially Christmas Eve. I have managed to get all of my gift-wrapping done, and have nearly finished off the giant box of cookies I received last night from the delicious treat-making factory that is the kitchen of Sarah and Carolyn.

I do believe I left a shopping bag at the check-out at Target and need to go back in the morning and see if there is an "unclaimed bags at check-out" section in customer service. If not, I get to debate with Natalie again tomorrow about which clothes are the best choice to bestow upon Mason as part of a Christmas gift.

Kevin left for New Jersey to be home with his family for Christmas yesterday morning and Natalie is with her dad so it's just me and the wolfins at home tonight. I keep making them go down to the basement with me and I think they are just about tired of my scared behind. I had this awful nightmare the other night involving a basement and it's just been on my mind ever since. I plan to spend a portion of Christmas day turning that nightmare into an action-packed comic strip and hopefully, that will have some sort of therapeutic effect.

Aside from comic-ing, I would like to finish an acrylic painting, polish up my teaching portfolio and narrow down some New-Year's resolutions by the end of the weekend or, perhaps by the end of next week. Also, being the GIANT NERD THAT I AM, I Cannot Wait! to fill in my new 2011 planner pages. I got a new starter kit for my Franklin Covey. I think it is time to create some new goals for myself and that is always exciting. What can I say - I am a quintessential Capricorn (goal-oriented, mountain-climber, winner, nerd-fest).

Reality Bites

U.S.S. Shipwreck 1200-1600

It's after 2. I just got out of bed, although I have been up since 10:30. I am drinking my morning pot of coffee and although I should be on the phone with my phone company about my $600 phone bill, or with the mortgage company about my $5000 past due balance, or bathing and brushing my mangey-looking, shedding dogs, I am blogging. I hate dealing with real life things. Nathan moved in. He is being his messy, selfish self. He is not thrilled about living with me either. He was just informing me that he wants to hang himself from the ceiling fan every time he walks into the house. I'm not completely sure, but it may be the fact that I just finished off the rest of the laundry detergent washing Natalie and my clothes for the week and now he may have to go by his own. Natalie graduates from Kindergarten tomorrow. I will probably cry. I am working at Saia again. I wish that I could, like so many people, feel content with life knowing that my bills are paid, my credit is good, and my errands are done. I would rather write short stories or take up painting. My parents are still pushing me to go back into the Navy. I would like to give it a year and see if I can't get a teaching job by then. It's hard not to worry about having a retirement plan or making enough money. I just don't think I could go without seeing Natalie for that long though. I cringe to think about how she would turn out if she were raised by her father. I need to go make my bed and all of those other things that should satisfy my existence so I'll end here.